Erotic Massage Etiquette

Are you conversant with all the Eight rules on how to book your FBSM erotic massage in London? You probably have the notion that most guy react the same way when booking an erotic massage appointment over the phone and when they are booking an appointment with a therapist. Well, you may be surprised that the simple phone conversation is misused by some men who use the opportunity to act ingratiating, asking inappropriate and maybe silly questions.

Real men say something along these lines:
“Hello Carmen, I’m Jack Dawson, and I’m calling from Jacks and Associates. Your ad was on the adult massage listing of this week and it got my attention, so I made up my mind to book a 2-hour tantric massage session with you. I’m at Heathrow right now, I hope you can visit my hotel near Park lane 10pm today or any convenient time will be fine. You can find my LinkedIn profile helpful or you can also call a local provider on this number, and I’m sure he’ll vouch for me. My Redbook handle is also here. I really can’t wait to (quote ad text verbatim), and review your service accordingly after our session.”

Jack-Dawson by Leonardo DiCaprio
Jack Dawson by Leonardo DiCaprio

Imaginary, actually.

Regrettably, this is how most calls go:

Me: “Hello?”
Him: (sound of breathing heavily …) “Uh, hi. Who am I speaking with?”
Me: “You called me, sir.”
Him: “Uh, sorry, yeah. I saw the ad and that’s why I’m calling.”
Me: “That’s great! Could you please tell me where you saw it listed?”
Him: “Uh, sure, it’s on the internet. But, you really look hot there.” (begins to breathe heavier)
Me: “Have you called to book a session?”
Him: “I really feel like coming right now?” (groaning, perhaps choking the chicken)
Me: “What is your name, sir?”
Him: “Uh…..I’m Bob.”
Me: “And would you mind telling me what session you are interested in, Bob?”
Him: “Uhhhh, I really don’t know much about that. But you can help – choose for me, anything you say”

The call lasts for probably ten minutes and there’s no assurance that bob is gonna show up, or even book a session. It appears he didn’t take the time to read the ad or he just missed the loaded question – “what do you do?”

mr cellophane by John C Reilly
mr cellophane by John C Reilly

If I can manage to cope with the “what should I expect in session” and “what’s the maximum releases you can promise” and “any extras” and “will I get to see you in the sexy pink thing (OMG I should come now) you wore in your photos” and “I hope you don’t shave cause hairy girls drive me crazy” and “can I get 15 minutes massages” and “will I get fucked in the ass if I come with my toy” and much more bullshit that this type of men throws at me daily, and the man actually BOOKS a session with a legitimate and verifiable name, business URL and cell number, then I think that’s a good one.

Now, I’m not saying there are no gentlemen who can and will handle a phone call booking a sensual massage in London just like any other appointment with a doctor. Those who will always have their “I’s” dotted and their “T’s” crossed, speaking gentlemanly over throughout the phone conversation. I call them my Super Star Jack’s – They are knights in shining armor.

There are 8 simple rules for you to book an Erotic Massage:

1. ONLY CALL AFTER YOU HAVE READ THE AD.

Get this #1 rule, that most people miss – READ THE AD CONTENT. Follow any links available. Go through her reviews. Let her ass be for the meantime and focus on what’s more important – the content. This is something she must have taken her time to put together. Don’t forget her name and mention it when you call. Slipping some part of her content into your conversation will make you look charming, and do that if you want to be. Something like “I can’t wait to get your ‘ravishing delights’ this evening, Miss Carmen.” That will certainly spice up your conversation, baby.

2. DO YOUR RESEARCH.

She might have posted an ad with lots of gibberish poetic fluff that’s often hard to decipher. Dig deeper with your skills as an investigator, maybe a private one. Do you have it listed under “Bodyrubs” or “Escorts” or “BDSM” or “Tantra”? Does it specify that there is no FS or Mutual? Can you find anything like “Goddess Worship” or “Prostate” or “BDSM++? Google will help you to break all the codes. Don’t dial unless you’re sure of what you will get.

3. DON’T ASK QUESTIONS.

The call is not supposed to be for questioning. You should only call to BOOK a session. Keep your crude, risqué or revealing questions out of the conversation. You should not even expect her to answer them if she’s smart. This could be your charm. You can ask her what the weather is like, ask if she enjoyed her vacation, use your spell and vibe her out, but maintain the bounds and don’t go way too personal. Just be professional, sweet and kind. And…no questions once she shows up too. Your biggest smile is all you need and allow her to take the lead.

4. PLAN IN ADVANCE.

Hmm, you really think calling at 12:07am when you are just out of the bar is ok? You assume she’ll be waiting for your call in her lingerie, completely shaved and showered? You need to know that she’s a human just like you and she has a life. Yes, you are just horny and you need her right there, but giving her a few hours or even a day notice would be nice. …and you can leave her a message too. Just BOOK IN ADVANCE.

5. SCREENING.

There are girls who will screen you out on the phone so you have to be nice! Others will make sure they are dealing with a real Jack by requesting your full name and verifying on arrival. Other details such as websites, full on work verification, Facebook and LinkedIn profiles, photo ID, DNA sample and a business card, may be required too. Or you may be asked to provide the name and number of another provider who will have to vouch for you, even though all these may take a long time, maybe days. Give her a YES. She hardly can be a cop and she’s unlikely to call your wife. Build the TRUST, your second session will be smoother.

6. NEVER BARGAIN.

Most of the time, her ad will have a listing price. If you are double sure that she didn’t provide her, then go ahead and ask her during the phone conversation. DON’T GO THERE! Sex workers are no POS – they take cash ONLY! Be sure you have enough cash and eve extra for a nice tip. Don’t talk about the money once you meet. Just put the money on the alter. Big Tippers are never forgotten! And Bargainers and cheapskates are blacklisted!

7. BE A GENTLEMAN.

Polite. Kind. Relaxed. Thoughtful. Suave. Confident. Generous. Complimentary. Charismatic. Calm. Charming. Nurturing. Peaceful. Dapper. Presumingly Handsome. Clean Shaven. With freshly pressed boxer shorts and your pocket watch taken out of the way upon arrival. Please, be a gentleman and not a douche bag.

8. NO EXPECTATIONS.

You might have had success doing this before, but never raise your expectation meter. Respect the law of difference! Lingos may be the same but offer may not be. Her photos may not even be as hot as she is in person, or (you don’t want this to happen to you) a really old hag who have just stolen her nineteen-year-old sexting shots for the ad. You may hear her say Tantra during the phone conversation and she may not even mention it throughout your session. You’ll have a better experience if you don’t expect anything, or at least, much.

So be a Jack and try to leave her smiling after the phone conversation. Let your charm cause her to rush to buy incense and new underwear before your arrival. Let her be able to recommend you to her friends. Polish your armor as a knight, during the call and in session. And take my word for it, if only you will start to treat EVERYONE like this, NOTHING can stop you from becoming the KING OF THE UNIVERSE.